I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
