here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
