i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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