I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize