Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
