Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
