btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
