I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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