Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
