I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
