i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I enjoy the company of your penis
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
