WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
