Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
