Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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