You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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