bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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