So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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