You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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