The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize