I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
