i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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