I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
