getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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