my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
