all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
