$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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