coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
