So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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