Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
