I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
