If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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