apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
