i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
