Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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