The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
