My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
