WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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