Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
false alarm. still invincible.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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