my vag is so smooth its legendary
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
