So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
