i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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