Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
