thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
