I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
