I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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