i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
