I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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