Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
