Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
