My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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