i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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