sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
