I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
