Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
